Funny Bunny

It was the year 2007 and I desperately needed some cash to feed my shopping addiction. My dad worked at Willowbrook mall at the time and told me he could get me a job that would pay me $250 for one day of work.

UH HELLO!

I would be crazy to turn that job down, whatever it was...and it was sitting in a big ass oversized fluffy chair in a 100lb furry costume with giant ears while screaming children sit on my lap and get their picture taken... I was the Easter Bunny. This is how the story goes:

I met in the back offices in the morning to try on my costume. It weighed a ton, I could barely breathe and it was itchy. Of course this was not going to be a pleasant experience but I had dollar signs in mind so I decided to push through it. I walked out into the mall area and instantly children were running up to me screaming, wanting me to touch them, them wanting to touch me, push me, pet me. Then...there it was...the giant chair I would sit in for 7 hours, six feet tall, six feet wide, I couldn’t even lean against an arm rest. The day began and hundreds of children sat on my lap, some crying, some poking, wiggly bony butts on my knees all day. Behind the giant smiling face of the bunny, I was dying. I became increasingly dehydrated and sweaty in the costume, the ventilation was horrible, and the worst part was I couldn’t tell anyone because bunnies cant fucking talk. I was going to snap in my mute and sticky situation. At one point I did pass out. If if anyone ever asks if I have passed out before I always say no-because this is ridiculous. It must have been the 200^th wiggly child of the afternoon and I felt everything turning black. It only lasted a couple seconds but the next thing I knew the photographer was whispering into the mesh of my bunny eyes, “are you okay in there, you just fell over!” Thank god this was my only moment o cry for help, “I need a break, and water!” I said back. “Your shift is done in 20 minutes, then you can have water.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

20 minutes later when they roped off the area and the children whined and dispersed I was so excited to be done I hopped off that seat (yes, I hopped ) and without thinking, right there in the middle of the mall, I....I... took off the giant bunny head.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

All hell broke loose. Children pointed and screamed.

“The easter bunny doesn’t exist!”

“Why is that sweaty albino dressed as the easter bunny!”

Parents covered their childrens eyes. Dreams shattered. Hearts broke. I got fired. I didn’t care.

The overwhelming exhilaration from inhaling fresh air not blocked by metal mesh, my head weighing a normal weight, the mall air drying the sweat from my brow. I was free. I was human.

I took that $250 paycheque and by god did I buy those clothes, no fur though, I think I’m done with that.